Grief Sucks, But…

They’re here one moment and gone the next. That’s the unfathomable and unfair truth of losing a loved one. Whether it was expected and one to prepare yourself for, or as unexpected as Jesus conquering the grave – regardless, it all hurts the same like a third degree burn. The hardest thought to process is realizing they are actually gone from this earth. It’s a pretty tough pill to swallow because it’s almost as if everything they did and planned for in their lifetime just ceases to exist. Their presence alone was comfort to us and no matter what they always felt like home. Yet here you are, feeling like you’re sitting in a pitch black room with no knowledge of your whereabouts. Over the course of grieving, you come to realize that you can have the utmost amount of supportive family and friends surrounding you, yet that dark room feels like it may never have light in it again. However, all in due time, there is a small light that will peek through the cracks in that room called hope and it always finds its way to every person that is grieving. Whoever you are, I want to tell you that my sister and I are living proof that after all of the bad that these losses (yes, unfortunately that’s plural) may have brought us, joy found us again. And I PROMISE, you too will find joy in life again. 

So talk about a power couple. The two of them supported my sister and I through everything over the years – school, puberty, our countless ballgames (enjoyable and not so enjoyable ones) and any other things we found ourselves participating in. No matter what, they were always there on the sidelines waiving their foam fingers as the Haddox girls’ number one fans. As a little tight-knit family of four, we were constantly going somewhere and doing things together. Making memories was our parent’s top goal for us and it is the thing I admired the most about them. My sister and I were blessed enough to have had parents that would trek all over to different states and landmarks that would give us everlasting memories. We took yearly trips to the beach, took our boat up the lake, went on the stereotypical Disney World family vacay and even went on a “history trip”, as Dad called it, that consisted of traveling to Gettysburg, then to Philadelphia and ending in Washington, D.C. Our Dad was a huge history buff, so this was right up his alley. But regardless, it was SO much fun.

Unfortunately, not every child is lucky enough to have parents like ours and it hurts my heart that that is the case with so many kids. One of my biggest wishes is for everyone to have the parental love and care that we were so lucky to be gifted with. Now that Mom and Dad are gone, I am finding myself more often wondering what we did to deserve parents like them.

We lost Dad suddenly my senior year of high school in 2015. (Sorry for the mood killer) You never think that grief and loss will ever touch you no matter how invincible you may think you are. But there we were thinking that whole day on January 19th was a fever dream. I felt like I was in a movie where a bomb had just gone off and all you hear is that high-pitched ringing. Your point of view is you wandering aimlessly through a destruction cloud of dirt, debris and Lord knows what else. Only in my case and in this very much tangible situation, the destruction was in my brain filled with swirling thoughts and fears. To say the least we were overwhelmed and trying to process what the doctor had just told us face-to-face. How could God allow for something like this to happen? How could He take away such a devoted, humble, selfless and Godly father from his loving wife and two girls who loved him with all of their hearts? Then that’s when I realized that would be the first of many times to come where I in fact did not have the answers for everything. 

Three years later, were back in The Upside Down. We found ourselves in that same spot of loneliness and emptiness, but this time it was with Mom. Thankfully we had some time to prepare (*insert unenthusiastic woo-hoo*) and make plans for the future without her, but it still hurt and stung the same somehow. Now there my sister and I were, parent-less and neither of us had even turned 25 yet. Then the thoughts start to snowball sending our brains into emotional overdrive. 

“Where do we go from here? What are we going to do? Who will walk us down the aisle on our wedding day? How will we explain to our future kids that they are already out one set of grandparents? Are we going to crumble? Do we fall off the ledge and let ourselves go? Do we act out and cause problems out of our emotion? Do we end it all and join them?”

Calm down and take a breather is what you do. You feel like Edna Mode is standing over you smacking you across the head yelling, “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!” Trying to act like everything is fine is definitely easier said than done. But we managed (somehow) and things surprisingly turned out to be “ok”.

Personally, on one hand I feel as if grief is the exact same for everyone – but then again on the other hand in many other ways not one person grieves the same as the other. Yeah I know it doesn’t make a lick of sense, but after you lose someone it’s as if nothing makes sense anymore. You’re just lucky enough to put your shoes on the right feet. Everyone sheds tears, feels that literal emptiness in their chest and has irrational fears of what the future may hold now that someone who you love has somewhat disappeared forever. After going through it twice now, my sister and I have both learned a lot and many truths about the reality of life and people too. I don’t care how tough and stoic you may be, you can’t just go on Amazon and free 2-day ship yourself a book on How to Get Over a Death in 5 Months. It just does not work that way. It’s all up to you and how you choose to mourn. The biggest thing that helped us was our perspective and choosing to be positive given the adversity that we had endured. 

You’ll find that God plants hope within you and He allows you to declare to yourself: I will rise up, stay strong and know that things get better with time. However, you also have to know that things take time and joy will find its way to you again, but not when you want it to. Basically it’s in your hands how you react and deal with the situation at hand, regardless of how long it takes to somewhat get back to normal. I fully understand we all have our trials and tribulations, but I will never understand why people remain in the pits all the time. Someone will always have it worse than you, so there is no excuse to not find one thing you are thankful for. If you wake up every morning breathing indicating that you are in fact alive, that’s something right there. It takes self-discipline to tell yourself that this hardship will not shake you, and you will rise up from this.

You must do what is right for you and trust that God will not forget about you. He never has nor will He ever. So, to all my fellow mourners out there – whether it’s your first loss or if you have some to many years under your belt, I’m glad that were all in the same boat. Hopefully my story can help you and shed some light to your darkness that you never thought would go away.